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Monday, May 4, 2009

Ricky Hatton: Manny Pacquiao used me like a vacuum cleaner

Top Excuses Of Ricky Hatton For Getting Destroyed By Manny Pacquiao:

1. In the first round, I was just trying to do my Juan Manuel Marquez impression. I told my team we should've sold advertising on the bottom of me white boxing booties but they didn't listen.

2. The translator for Floyd Mayweather Sr. never showed up. I haven’t the slightest idea what all that jive turkey talk was in the corner. To me, it sounded like total gibberish in some language I am not familiar with. Myabe it was Esperanto, I don’t know.

3. Oh, in case you haven’t heard, my old man (Ray) fired Floyd’s tardy ass BEFORE the fight. Not only that, he will be getting paid a pittance sent by check arriving on a slow boat from China.

4. My No. 2 trainer, the returning to anonymity Lee Beard, dropped the bucket on the way to the ring. That unnerved me because I almost kicked the bucket in the second round. Maybe Lee can spend his future writing emails to the chat board at Boxing Scene, he seems to enjoy doing that silly prat that he is.

5. If had Roger “Black Mamba” Mayweather, a/k/a Snagglepuss, in my camp and corner things would have been much different. I might have actually made it into round three.

6. Even though I was guaranteed $12 million, my father’s strict $50 per diem for food was enforced one me as well as good for nothing hangers on. Some days at the MGM I could barely afford bread and water. I went into the ring starving like Marvin!

7. Did I mention it was Floyd Senior’s fault? Because that Pacman moves a helluva lot faster than Floyd and his silly hand pads.

8. I should have stuck with my musical standby “Blue Moon” instead of whatever nonsensical song I entered the ring with. The musical screw-up sent me fans into shocked silence.

9. There’s Only One Ricky Hatton but I was on my backside three times. My head feels like a well-dribbled NBA basketball this morning.

10. I just did all this to get rid of Mayweather. Wait until you see how great I look under Coach Freddie Roach’s wing, I will be the New Ricky Hatton. I will be reborn. I can actually understand most of the words coming out of Roach’s mouth.

11. Have I dropped -- the key word being dropped -- the news that Team Hatton has sacked Old Man Mayweather? Good riddance to bad rubbish. This idiot told me I was fighting Bobby Pacquiao, he got them mixed up. He is a fired motherbleeper, trust me.

12. In my next fight, I will be introduced as Ricky “The Vacuum Cleaner” Hatton because I spend so much ring time on the carpet.

13. I was distraught to learn in me dressing room that the sagacious fight scribe MICHAEL MARLEY had been denied a press credential by some oaf on my team and in cooperation with Golden Boy. Golden Boy feels Marley forced James Kirkland to go buy some guns at a public gun show despite his felon on probation status. I just didn’t feel right knowing Marley was suffering on his living room couch surrounded by the finest wines and cheeses. Hey, I wonder how Kirkland like watching the fight...ON RADIO maybe, haha. One thing Kirkland and I have in common, we know what it's like to be cuffed around.

14. I wanted to use the nickname “The Human Pancake” for this fight knowing how flat I would be falling. Maybe I could’ve gotten a sponsorship with Aunt Jemima or IHOP, you know. But my minders nixed that.

15. Did I mention that no one named Mayweather is on my payroll effective at the 2:59 mark of the second round? We sacked Old Floyd like he was a bag of potatoes, I will tell you.


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