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Sunday, April 12, 2009

Michael Marley guarantees it: Hatton will wipe floor with Pacquiao

I'm a leader, maybe not the Worldwide Leader like ESPN boasts, but definitely a leader in my limited sphere, my thimble-sized corner of boxing punditry.

I’m no sheep, not an embraceable ewe, and not a lamb, shanked or otherwise. I know Mary had a little but I hear the medication helped.

I’ve been cheered. I’ve been jeered. And, in this case lime the lamb before Easter, I’ve been sheared. Not to mention fleeced.

But I draw the line at pulling the wool over any beloved reader's eyes.

Whoa, this is starting to sound like a Sinatra song–a puppet, a poet, a Somali pirate, a fried prawn and a king, up down and everything—let me get a grip.

Pacquiao fans, in the majority, love me. They see this “White Gorilla” as sometimes amusing, virtually harmless old coot who is to be laughed at if not with.

Pacnuthuggers, in the main, hate me. They hate me and the horse I rode in on although I haven’t actually ridden one since I cut my weight down a whopping 90 pounds or so.

Pretty soon, I’ll be able to ride a quarterhorse because I’ll be a quarterMarley.

The Hatton camp talks about me day and night. I’ve heard that. Generally, when they do, they say, “Who the bleep is this bleeping wanker anyway?” I guess maybe my Nottingham pal, Carl Froch, told them I’ve been smoking boots or something.

Back to my being atop the leaderboard as often as Tiger Woods…it’s with this undeniable trait that I again lead the pack with my Hatton-Pacquiao prediction.

Normally, I would seal my prediction inside a secure envelope which is put inside a bank vault is then hermetically sealed with special mayonnaise and a bit of mustard. The secured vault is then guarded 24/7 by special cops toting loaded Uzis.

But, with this economy, I’ve had to cut back. I am sure you understand. The cost of the barbed wire, electrified fences and the meat bill for the attack dogs was massive.

My bold prediction is this: Hatton wins this fight so easy it will like a Sunday afternoon walk through a leafy Mancunian park in mid-June. How do you like them fish and chips, you Pacyouknowwhathuggers?

I take my hat off to the one, the only Hatton.

You want specifics?

The righthanded guy will slap the southpaw all over the ring.

Hatton is far superior in his true weight class than is Pacquiao.

Hatton is the better boxer.

Hatton is the better ring general while Pacquiao is more like a ring buck private.

The age difference is neglible.

Hatton, with the Mayweather exception, always shines in Las Vegas.

Pacquiao has had miserable outings in Vegas and I don’t mean playing the slot machines.

So, I am so glad to have this burden off my chest. Such a relief.

You know my motto, I mean besides the one about where are the free buffet tickets. I mean my motto about how it’s lead, follow or get out of the way.

By the way, I won’t keep this secret, either. I’m putting 75 large on Hatton to win this fight. It;s time to pay off the mortgage on the oceanfront Cape Cod estate. Maybe I will have the Kennedy clan over for the ceremony in which I take the mortgage papers and incinerate them the way Hatton is going to burn this Pacman character.

Call me cocky now and then, on May 2 as we near midnight in Nevada, call m,e a rich sumbeeyatch.

It’s Hatton in a romp, a laugher really.

There will be joy and happiness in the United Kingdom.

There will be weeping and gnashing of teeth in the Philippines and in every country where any Pinoys now live.

I’m not conceited, fans, I am merely convinced.

Write it down now, hails me as a fistic genius, a real Everlast Einstein.

Matthew Hilton will decimate Bobby Pacquiao.

Mark my words, brother, mark my words.

“The Sniper” will look like a pitiful, unnarmed man against Magic Matty.

Step down, next case.

Hey, Mayweather, why are you laghing?

Let me do my Joe Pesci, what am I a bleeping clown, do I make you laugh?

Laugh now, cry late, chump, becuase Magic Matty just happens to be a welterweight and your worst nightmare outside of those friendly IRS agents who have surrounded your Vegas mansion with those "Everything Must Go" sale signs.

Just because you beat one Hatton doesn't mean you can beat them both, fella.

Now do you agree to my tag team concept or what?


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